Emerson, Manitoba
Pizza and wing enthusiast Gerry Martins was settling in Sunday with a few buddies for a marathon session of NFL football, greasy food and trash-talking when the slacked-jawed visage and drawl of FOX NFL’s Terry Bradshaw was suddenly replaced by the most delicious looking pizza Martins had ever seen.
“So Bradshaw’s runnin’ his mouth about some garbage, as usual,” Martins said, “and I’m patently ignoring the dude while trashin’ Timmy’s awful fantasy team. I look up, and Bradshaw’s mug is gone and in its place is this epic, meaty, greasy, cheesy batch of goodness. I’ve eaten hundreds of pizzas in my lifetime, but something about this one – with the wings on the side – just spoke to me. And the price? Come on, man!” Martins enthused, before adding, “I get Pizza Hut all the time, but I’ve never seen a deal like that before. I knew I had to have it.”
Martins held up a hand in reverence while the commercial was on, demanding total silence as he drank in the incredible deal. Two large pizzas, twenty wings, cheesy breadsticks and a two litre of Pepsi – for $24.99!! Martins rubbed his eyes to ensure he wasn’t seeing things, and immediately pulled out his SmartPhone. “Siri, order Pizza Hut,” he said with a self-satisfied smile.
The smile wouldn’t last long.
When the agent at 310-1010 informed Martins that the deal was “only available to customers in the United States,” Martins bristled a little. He then launched into an impromptu local geography lesson during which he explained that by proximity Emerson was “basically part of the US – Minnesota or North Dakota, either way!” The cashier was unmoved, asked for full price, and Martins was a defeated man.
“I knew we were in trouble when Gerry got that excited; he forgot we were watching the time-shifting Seattle feed and that it’s all US based commercials. He had the same issue last year when they advertised the McRib. He almost got arrested at the local McDonald’s when he accused the manager of ‘holding out on him.’ He really has no sense of geography; at least, not as it pertains to promotional food deals.”
Unwilling to purchase the food for the regular price, which would’ve approached $60, Martins decided he’d simply settle for the smorgasbord of manly unhealthiness his friends had fried up. He had shamed his “deadbeat” friends in to doing a pot luck and had a fine selection of nachos, meatballs, and a variety of potato chips and was reaching for a cheese dog when a commercial for Sonic came on, singing the praises of the most recent burger/onion ring/milkshake combo.
“Hold the phone boys!” Martins hollered as he reached for his phone again. “We’re not licked yet!”
Beaver Tales 